Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
