May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
