her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
