Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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