maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
All I want is dick and wine.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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