So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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