Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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