there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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