My sheets look like a crime scene.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
