dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
