I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
