Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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