HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
