I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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