she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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