you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
