I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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