I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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