I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
