I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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