Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
