Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
