She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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