ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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