I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
