you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
