eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
