Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
