Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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