Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
