I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
