now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
