i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
