I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
