Sponge bath it is.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
