Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
