I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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