I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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