I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize