the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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