And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
