the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
