he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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