I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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