Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
