You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
