M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
