:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
