she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
