I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
