I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
