Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
