...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize