I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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