Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
