Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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