Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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