You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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