so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize