I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
