My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
